Tuesday, 31 May 2016

An open letter to my fatherless son

To my Fatherless Son,

Sometimes people we love have to be far away. It does not mean that they don't love us with every bit of their heart. Just sometimes they have to be so far away that we can't see them everyday but it does not mean the love is not there. One day the Magick and love will fill him  so much that he can't stand it any more and he will move the world to get to you, to know you , to see you , to value you as theirs, I hope one day you mean that much , though you should already have.

What do I tell you , I know that your daddy loves you, but it is complicated?  Do I think he should have done and do more and moved the world to give even 5 minutes every once in awhile damn right I do . Does it mean he loves you less though , no I don't believe so, I try not to believe so  . Fear must play a big part and there must be so much sorrow in his heart that he does not get to spend everyday with you,(even 5 minutes ). You are so special , so beautiful and so wonderful that I can't imagine how it would feel not seeing you every single day .

Even if "we" are still communicating amongst ourselves, I know you do not understand, you do not even know . And how do I answer you when you ask and you stare into my eyes and I have to say we will talk about it later but he loves you , when even that is something I question some days .

But I did this, I am to blame . I ended up putting you in the same position I was in as a child , It is the worst feeling in the world , I know I have been there . You question where is my dad?, Why am I worthless? , Why I am I not enough?
 I am sorry I did this to you . I am sorry we are in this position we are in . I am sorry.

I know I do not shoulder all the blame, he was "there" to .
 I have been the one here for you everyday since the day you were conceived , and I have been the only lifeline you have to fall on ; but that in itself is a double edged sword at times.

I see the sadness and longing in your eyes for a man in your life , as I am sure it mimics mine in my hopes for you.

But I want to remind you that you are worthwhile , you are worth something and you are the not the problem or the reason things are lacking in your life . It is two adults who failed you , not the other way around.

I want to remind you of your worth and ability to have an amazing life because you are worth it. I do not want you ever to feel you do not deserve the same as others ;, that was never done for me and I need to make sure it is done for you . I may have lacked in that area myself when it comes to you thus far , but I vow to change your internal voice .

I know that inner child and inner voice and I know the lack of worth it feels like and I also know the damage it causes to you as an adult , and how the worthless feeling follows you and your life seems to reflect the same.

I promise I will not lie to you when you are old enough to understand and I will tell you everything in truth , no lies , no more secrets . It is about you and not about the worry of the adults , who had a choice and therefore deserve the consequences to whatever the truth may reveal.

I vow to keep your inner child and spirit alive in you .

To my fatherless child ,
I love you,
Mom

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