I think about you often , I still see your body fall and crumble while you hit the pavement and fold up like a fan . I wonder if you lived that day . I saw your laboured breath and the pain wince when you tried to move. I wonder what was so wrong in your life that made you jump off that bridge over pass on the major Hwy 403 into oncoming traffic so many years ago .
For years I suppressed the memory of what I witnessed inches in front of me at your hands while I was driving my eldest son to his commercial shoot location the night before, I had to make sure I knew where I was going for the next morning , it was an early call time. I need to forgive myself for that; If I didn't need to know the directions I would have never have been there at the exact moment you hit the downfall of your life.
I can not function on the highway now when I am not in the drivers seat in control of the vehicle. I go in panic mode right away and stay in that state until I am off the highway . I have at least one massive episode each time where the fear is uncontrollable and it is all because of you. I scan each bridge as we pass under them and god forbid I see anyone walking over one. I panic so bad and relive what I saw over and over again in each millisecond, your body crumbling. I was close enough and saw your body fold in on itself enough to be able to imagine the sound of each crackling bone, with each fold as you hit the payment.
It was such a surreal experience you know and unfair of you to impose on the few of us who your actions directly affected. I am so thankful that my son was asleep in the back seat and did not witness what I did . Fuck you for what I had to see. For what I still see when I close my eyes in those moments and watch you crumble as you hit the pavement. I relive every second over and over as you fold onto the pavement .
I went into shock right away that day and suppressed and just carried on, till a few years recently . Something happened on the highway and triggered your memory to the forefront . I should have dealt with you then when it happened over 15 years ago now and maybe you wouldn't be affecting my life so badly now.
I can thank you for one thing though , and that is the strength and will to continue to live life no matter how bad it gets. I know first hand the affects your attempt at suicide has done to me as a stranger.
I need to forgive you and let go the pain and trauma I have felt for you these years long since gone, and to hope you found whatever peace you needed .
- I have decided to deal with and acknowledge this past trauma in my life head on in an attempt to heal and comes to terms with what happen , and finally let it go .. I can take a breath in now and as I let it out , let out the pain I still held from this trauma.