As of right now when I hear tit , so he can use me as his comfort pacifier and to get to sleep the thought makes my skin crawl.
My own needs were and are on the back burner ;as they should be when you become a parent . Now I feel like I can't take it anymore and want my body back.
The best part about writing this post is at this very moment I am being scolded by my toddler to feed him. I have not given in to a feeding since 12 am this morning. As of now we are going on 15 and a half hours of no feeds and for this household it is a very very big deal. Little man is certainly not impressed.
I have high hopes to make it the entire day today, with those hopes including a nap without a feed . Mind you if mommy needs those 20 minutes of peace , I will most likely give in to his ramblings. I would love to make it to only the night feed and maybe not even that one. High hopes and lots of snacks left out for him for the day I hope is enough. You see this little guy knows what's up, if he starves himself and does not eat anything then mommy has to feed him. I will of course provide him as long as he needs even if that includes just for comfort. I just want to start this road to weaning with a serious attempt.
I am tired , I want my body back, I need to get my hormones back on track. Everyone gushes over just the amazing benefits , of those there are plenty ; but forget to mention the havoc it takes on your body or the anger emotions you feel while extended breastfeeding. All normal of course, but takes a toll. Not to mention the fear of having your nipple bitten off in one of those clamp downs.
Now dont get me wrong, I am and always will be an advocate for Breastfeeding especially in public if the need arises, without having to cover up or feel intimidated. I just ran my course and desperately want this phase of our amazing life journey to end.
I have had many wonderful amazing times with what Breastfeeding brings and I am forever greatful for the Magick my body allowed me to have with caring for my little one. There have also been those times when you stand up for yourself. The most favorite stand up moment for me is when I encountered 2 mothers no less who called me disgusting outside of the store I had just almost got some shopping done in. (Okay so it was Walmart of course ,right ! things always go down at Walmart )
(Short back story- out of food, have to drive 30 min away from our small town to get actual food to eat, not to mention one of "those" toddler days when moms hide and cry, so leaving the store with only a few things and no where near what we needed, I made the choice to sit down , whip it out and try to console my toddler)
So after all this and these 2 moms( women , geez are we ever awful to each other like knock it off allready) calling me disgusting; I snapped. What came out of my mouth after was the best come back I have ever come up with ( well I felt so anyway).
I said " I'm disgusting, well ladies if you drink cows milk then you are drinking from a pumped cow! Now whose disgusting"
I would like to say that a string of cuss words wasn't exchanged but that wouldn't be real life. I continued on with a huge smile on my face and fed my toddler till he was asleep before I even cared to move. I could have gone with him screaming in that screeching octave tone that grates your very soul to the van, but I wasnt going a further step . It was at that end point and I was going to save the last bit of mom -umph I had .
It is mine and my toddlers journey only and although we are at an impasse to where we want this journey to go, we will come out okay.
The road to get there is going to be interesting and a test of wills. I have a feeling mommy is giving in first.
( Before I could post Mommy gave in , at 4:55 but he only fed till 5:02 and has been out cold, ever since)
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