My Forever Bulimic Hands

It may be well behind me,  those dark days where I lost myself completely to one of the many food Demons . It is  well remembered in vivid details though but behind me none the less ;17 years now behind me.

 I can not even imagine or understand that person now and it truly was and is a case of should have been different , could have been different , might have been different : I have forgiven that person though for at that time and in that place it was her own reality and the only one she knew.

This is not about why , what happened , or what I wish was different in my life from that time : this is about my Bulimic hands .

My Forever Bulimic Hands

Every time I see them , they replay that story for me , and give me an external strength of someone I wish to never again , be .
 I know why my knuckles are forever scarred and will always remain red .
 My veins on my hands have been tortured and will forever hold their dread .
 Always protruding and  will be forever prominent , from my teeth scrapping at their bed .
They are a constant reminder of how much I hated me , and thought this was the only way to fix the pain slowly killing me .
I stare at them quite frequently with sadness in my eyes , the tears refuse to fall nor acknowledge life hidden past NON - lies.

I will never be able to hide them , they are my hands and in plain view. Nor would I wish to hide them they are a life with my past dues.

I am at a different place in my life now in relation to food. I love food now in a healthy way and not in an obsessed and dangerous way . I now eat what I want , when I want with complete happiness , guilt free.

As someone who spent over the better part of 15 years (age 10-25) with eating disorders and 10 of those being Bulimic centred , I get it .. I get you , I am here if you need to talk

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME . EATING DISORDERS ARE VERY LIFE THREATENING. SEEK HELP IF YOU NEED IT !!!